As I See It...

A weekly commentary
by James E. Felton

April 7, 1997

I received the following humor in the mail last week from a friend. I don't know who wrote it, but I found it very amusing (and accurate) so I thought I'd pass it on!

If Microsoft made cars:

(1) A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.

(2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

(3) Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. (3a) Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason you'd just accept this, too.

(4) You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

(5) Apple Motor Systems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

(6) The oil, gas, and alternator guages would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

(7) People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

(8) We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.

(9) The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto maker instead of giving them.

(10) Microsoft seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

(11) The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

(12) For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

(13) They wouldn't build their own engines, but would form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 32 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engine Pro", and a "Engine MMX" with bigger turbos, but they would be slower on most existing roads.

(14) Your car would occasionally refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"

(15) The entire engine wouldn't all be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.

(16) Every time you carried a new passenger you would have to alter the car's configuration settings. When the passenger got out, these configurations would remain in place.

Have an opinion you'd like to share? Send it to me!

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